Haven’t been home in a while
It’s gunna feel good walking around the city streets, disappearing for a while amongst the crowds of unfamiliar faces. Hopefully everything goes well..
I need to take charge of my life again
It just hit me that I’m going nowhere in life at the speed I’m at right now. I’m stuck in this cycle of self-hate and doubt that I’m not progressing. I’m watching my friends move on without me—life going on without me—and it’s making me even more depressed. Like what the fuck is going on with me that I can’t seem to get up and move along the pace of time? What’s holding me back? Why am I so scared of failing at something I haven’t even attempted?
I want to get into fashion and I want to travel to places, but instead, I barely even leave the confines of my room. I literally wake up, roll out of bed for a shower, and go right back into bed and stare at my walls. If I have work scheduled for the day, I go out and do that but I immediately come back home. I don’t even watch TV or text people anymore, or write or photograph like I used to. My social life has literally disappeared—I used to be the girl who went out everyday, whether I had money in my pockets or not, and hanging out with groups of friends and getting drunk every other week. Now I’m this empty, pathetic shell of the person I used to be. I’m not happy with anything, not even myself. I’m not happy with how my life is going.
I thought about just ending it, my eyes tracing the faint scars that decorate the left side of my body, but my fear of just ceasing to exist stops me. I’m so pathetic that even the thought of dying scares me. Everything scares me. I’m just so fed up with how everything’s been going along lately. I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m tired, I’m sad…this isn’t how I used to be. I was doing so well just a couple of months ago..
I need to seriously just get away from everything. I want to get away from everything.
You’re doing it again..
Pushing me away. There’s this barrier you put up that I can’t seem to break, no matter how hard or how much I try. It’s always been there, since the first time we dated, but it wasn’t as bad as it is now. It’s all because of her; she broke you down so bad that you’re carrying it onto our relationship. Your trust in me seems to not exist despite all that I’ve done for you.
I was the one talking to you at 3am when you were hysterical about how she mistreats you. I was the one who ran from the warmth and comfort of my home to go meet up with you when she broke up with you so that you could have a shoulder to cry on. I was the one who took care of you each day forward, put you before my own partner at the time, and brought you out of the house so you could get some air. I was the one who gave you back your friends because you weren’t allowed to have them while you were with her. I was the one who had to listen to you ramble about your broken heart when you were the one who broke my own a year before. I was the one who had to sit through you crying over her when I was crying over you a few months back. I was the one who broke someone’s heart for a second time for you. I was the one who swallowed my pride and set aside the embarrassment of you leaving me for that bitch to give you another chance. I’ve done so much for you and still, this is what I get? You’re afraid of me hurting you?
You have no room to be afraid of being hurt when you were the one who left me the first time..
I’m such a greedy fuck.
Haaa, tell me what else is new?
Your love for me is fleeting, I can feel it. You can lie to me and tell me that you still love me, but I’m not so blind. I’m not so oblivious. I can tell by the lack of texts and the lack of emotions behind the words, almost as if you don’t want to talk to me. Almost as if I was a burden and not your girlfriend. I’m waiting for the moment you run away again, just like the first time. I’m prepared this time though, mentally and emotionally. I’m not chasing after you again this time. I’m not going to put up the fight I did. You know where to find me and you know I’ll be waiting..
I asked you to sober up..
Lately it feels like I’m so unwanted and it’s beginning to paralyze me. I want to get far away as possible from this town and never look back. Delete and burn everything—start anew.
You want me?
Then fight for me. I’m tired of being the one who’s keeping us above water while you’re comparing me to everyone else, doubting my feelings. If you fought for her when she broke your heart, then you can fight for me; the one person who has always been there for you, supported you when no one else did, held you while you cried and loved you selflessly and wholeheartedly. I’ve been there since day one and you’re still trying to run away from me? You’ve got your friends, but they don’t love you like I do. They can’t give you that one bit of stability that I can. Isn’t this what you want? Someone who actually fucking cares?
I don’t know what else I can do to make you see that I’m not like anyone else.
I’m definitely not like anyone else.
What the fuck?
I keep shaking; there’s this big fear gripping at my heart. There’s this constant bad taste in my mouth and this never-ending nausea. I can’t close my eyes without my head spinning, and yet, it still spins with them opened. There’s no stability for me to lean on. I’m panicking like I never have before while you’re looking for a way out.
Are you scared of being alone? Cause I am. I am.
Sometimes, I’m not good enough..
And as I’m staring at you, I can feel myself breaking. You were so in love with her..and I feel like I can never be on that level as her. I’m just this phase but I’m hoping—really hoping—that I’m not.